In a van down by the river: the speaker scam

Nearly 20 years ago I had opportunity to be without employment and tried a vast swath of "career's" that I found in the local want ads. All promised quick paths to big money and in many cases that may well have been true.

All that was required was a complete lack of ethics.


One gig in particular was brilliant in its audicity. The con was simple. Sell speakers out of a white windowless panel van that happened to have a sales permit neatly tucked in a grilled back window. Drive around, look for chumps that would buy a too-good-to-true working man's story, and pocket the $$.

This was back in the days of massive speaker cabinets and before home theater in a box. Back when a man's audiophilac reputation stood on the size of his woofer.

The pitch was the following, and it was entirely legal:

"Hey (man), you interested in some speakers? We were doing a delivery you know, and they loaded more pairs on the van than are on the invoice so we have a couple pairs sitting here. You know my boss is just gonna take them and sell them himself and pocket the difference so we figured we would make some coin, know what I mean. Check it out (show warranty and invoice) they normally are $500 a pair but I would do $300, just to get rid of them."

What the buyer doesn't know is that the van was intentionally loaded with only a few pairs of speakers, with the hope of selling a couple pairs a day. A couple pair of $50 speakers marked up to $200, $250, $300, $400-whatever deal you could make that gave the buyer the impression they got it for a steal.

At the end of the sale, an invoice was produced, a warranty delivered, and a pair of speakers out of the van.

The winner I was paired with drove a shiny Corvette, claimed to make $100k a year (in 1994) and dripped of slime. He was like a used car saleman without the charm.

He had a plan.

The plan was drive 100 km out of town to the nearest First Nations reserve ("'cause they all got money") and sell some speakers. That meant the Mohawk reserve in Cornwall, the same guys who allegedly smugggled cigrettes across from the US and like to blockade the 401 with buses and guns.

I was not a happy camper being brought into this, sitting on a speaker box in the back of a van while he sold and sold hard. He swung for the bleachers, that these were $1000 a pair and he would give them up for $600. The buyer invited him in to set them up and gave them a listen.

Then he paid $500 and received his invoice and warranty.

I lasted a day at that gig, and on the trip back to the city was entirely unable to suppress my contempt for the process.

10 years later a friend would call me to ask about the make of a pair speakers he just got a great deal on. I told him the story, a story he was now painfully familiar with. He put them on Ebay and made his money back.

3 years ago while I filled up my tank in Thunder Bay, a young man jumped out of a Honda Civic with a license in its window and asked me if I was interested in a great deal on some speakers.

The lesson? Too good to be true is always too good to be true, and a fool and his money are soon parted.